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the last one remaining…

February 22, 2010

I don’t know why the Lord allowed me to be brought so low after my great Valentine’s weekend, but here I am, still aching from the difficult reality I wrestled with past few days.

I spent the weekend with a friend, as I do every year when her husband goes out of town for a men’s conference.  She is always grateful for the help with their ever-growing family, and we both enjoy being able to nurture our friendship as we support each other in our different walks of life.  It has never been an exclusive weekend, there are always other women to join us as we grow in sisterhood.

This year was no different, except one thing.  I realized I was the last single woman remaining among my friends.  There were a few other single women around, but I was the oldest by a good five years and, as I said, the only one left of my friends.

It wouldn’t have bothered me, except there were many times when conversation drifted to significant others or relationships.  It is beautiful hearing my friends speak well of their men, but I had absolutely nothing to contribute.  All I could do was sit there and listen.  It wasn’t that they were consciously leaving me out nor would I ever want them to walk on eggshells around me, but I felt forgotten and left behind (*see disclaimer*).

I am not bitter.  I am sincerely happy for my friends and their relationships.  The last thing I would ever want to do would be to deny them the joy of their vocations: the beautiful love deepened by marriage, the excitement of planning a wedding or the thrill of a newly realized love.

I am not bitter and I am not jealous: I simply realized I am alone.  I used to find consolation in the fact that there were other single women my age who were in the same boat.  I sat in silence listening to my friends and realized I am in the boat alone.  I can no longer blend in with the other single women of my circle – THERE ARE NONE!  It’s just me, in the boat by myself feeling utterly exposed and unprotected.

I know there are other singles out there (including my fabulous roommate), but realizing I was the last single woman in a couple of my small circles of friends hit me pretty hard.  Perhaps, I thought to myself, perhaps I am last because God thought I could bear it better than the others.  Perhaps being the last one standing would have been too much for them.  And didn’t Christ say “The last shall be first”? This is not a distinction I would have chosen for myself, but here I am… trying desperately to rationalize my current circumstances.

I am not bitter; I am blessed.  My life is overflowing with love from family and friends.  There are great things on the horizon as far as projects and work.  I love the life God has given me, but as  a friend reminded me today, this exile in which we live is not easy.  That was pretty obvious this weekend.

I love my friends dearly and I know they haven’t forgotten me.  I am grateful that they continue to include me in their lives as they grow and further realize their vocations.  And I am by no means desperate to find a spouse just so I feel that I something to contribute.  I have a lot to contribute, no matter what my current state in life may be.  No, I am not desperate.  I cling to the hope that the moment, painful though it may be, is holding a promise that will manifest itself in God’s time.  I am confident of this for I have witnessed the manifestation in my friends.  I know they will be there to celebrate with me when my time finally comes.  For now, it is my turn to celebrate with them, even if I am off in a different boat by myself.

*disclaimer* It was not the intention of my friends to leave me out or hurt me in any way.  Reality is what it is.  These moments simply opened my eyes to a reality that happened to be painful.  I am glad they had opportunities to share their lives and include me in those conversations.  I would never want them to hold back their joy so as not to upset me.  I was truly blessed by their company this weekend and had a wonderful time.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Ronn permalink
    February 23, 2010 7:59 am

    Cecilia, you’re not in the boat alone. God is rowing you (which is why it is taking so long) to that one special fishing hole. If you throw your line out too soon, you will just catch seaweed and bottom feeders! Just wait until He tells you to cast out your line and you will catch the biggest fish ever! :D
    love ya cuz’!

    • February 23, 2010 3:45 pm

      Just as long as He doesn’t take me to the crawdad hole… :)
      Thanks, cuz. Love you, too!

  2. Tennille permalink
    February 28, 2010 11:04 pm

    I.Love.You.

  3. February 28, 2010 11:26 pm

    Thank you for these beautiful thoughts! They resonated with me, one the last remaining single women of my friends, too. I cling to similar hopes, promises, and questions. May God bless you and be with you!

  4. Bettie McC. permalink
    February 28, 2010 11:38 pm

    I speak not as it were for want. For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, to be content therewith.

    You are such a special person, good heart and deep faith. God will give you your desire in good season. A good and faithful husband is worth the wait.

  5. James permalink
    February 28, 2010 11:41 pm

    Your post resonated with me. You articulated quite well emotions that I’ve certainly felt as the “last single guy standing” amongst my group of friends. I can truly relate to the simultaneous joy and frustration that can come from spending time with married friends (particularly those with young families). You’re quite happy for them, but at the same time, the source of your happiness is a bright neon arrow of sorts, pointing out what you want but do not have. In any event, take solace in two facts: (i) you are not alone in your experience; and (ii) you are quite cute.

  6. March 8, 2010 8:48 pm

    Thank you for your honesty, Cecilia!

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