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um… i don’t know…

December 22, 2010

“I wish I got a dollar every time you said ‘I don’t know’,” my cousin, Ron said when I talked to him the other night.

“Seriously! You’d have at least fifty dollars, if not more! I dunno what’s wrong with me,” I wailed. “I-don’t-know. I don’t knnnnnow. I just… I don’t… Ugh! I just don’t know anything anymore! Really, I. Don’t. Know. I don’t know…”

We had been discussing my plans for the future… plans I alluded to in A Dreamer’s Dream. Unfortunately, the future is now the very near future and many of those details are still hidden from view which makes it difficult to actually make plans. It’s not that God is callously standing by as I turn over every rock looking for clues; I know He is guiding me. He just has me on a need-to-know basis. He tells me what I need to know as I need to know it, but not before.

Planner that I am, I’m not too keen on this whole need-to-know thing. Having a plan gives me a sense of order and peace for the future. Oh, I know life doesn’t always go as planned. I don’t mind changing my plan on a whim so long as there is a plan to change. That is typically what happens with my plans anyway: I make a plan and the Lord makes it better. More often than not the end result looks nothing like the original one I presented to God. That doesn’t bother me – I’m not attached to the actual plan, but I suppose I’m attached to having one, as a friend recently pointed out. “But sometimes it doesn’t matter if you have a Plan A and Plan B,” she said. “What if God doesn’t want to use either one? What if He decides to use Plan W3X? And what if He doesn’t tell you what Plan W3X entails until the last minute?”

Apparently that’s what has happened. I’m in the middle of God’s “Plan W3X” and I have no clue what is going on. Seriously. I don’t know… but I’m sure everything will come together just fine – God’s plans always do. As my dear cousin reminded me during our conversation that could have made him a rich man for all those times I said ‘I don’t know’ with their varying emphasis and inflections, God knows every detail of the plan even if I don’t.

Note: This was actually written yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to post it until today. In that time, one major detail was worked out, which directly answered a couple of other important questions. There are still a lot of things I’m unsure of, but things are slowly starting to come together…

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