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wisdom from the past

February 3, 2011

I do not doubt that God led me halfway across the country for a specific purpose, but what that will ultimately be and how it will come about I know not, which makes this time of waiting rather excruciating.  I have seen God’s hand in many ways throughout this transition, but there have still been times over the past week and a half when I’ve felt blind to it all.  I spend my days searching for a job and trying to process what the heck I just did (as in quitting my job and uprooting my life to chase a dream), and I feel as though I’m floundering about, running into walls and dead ends, from a lack of direction and purpose.

Before I went to sleep the other night, I pulled out my treasure box of memories.  I was feeling dejected and rather sorry for myself, and my treasure box was designed to lift me up during such a time.  I gently fingered each trinket, read over every card and smiled at the various photographs as I took them from the decorative wooden box.  I thumbed through a book of poems I wrote in high school and an old journal from eleven years ago.

As I scanned the journal entries, I was struck by their relevance to my current situation of learning to trust God in the most dire of moments of job hunting.  My 20-year-old self demanded answers when she wrote, “Lord, I’m trying so hard to trust in you, but it is so hard.  If you wanted me to come here, you might have provided me with means in which to live!  But no, after two months I’m still looking for a job!  What are you doing to me?  I feel like such a failure!”  My current self is not at that point (obviously since I’ve been here less than two weeks), but I’m afraid I might not be as patient as I was eleven years ago…

Still through the course of her wailing, the younger Cecilia surrendered to what she knew to be true and her words offered insightful reminders: “I know I need to learn that my worth and who I am is not based on a job… Help me find myself in you, dear Lord.  O Sacred Heart of Jesus, be my comfort!”  I don’t remember the exact outcome of that trial, but I evidently survived.  God provided for me back then, just as He has every moment since that time and just as He will in this situation.

I did not have an epiphany that night resulting in my suddenly having an exact step-by-step directional map that included an overview of God’s plan, but I did go to sleep with sense of resolve and peace.  If my 20-year-old self could trust God, then my 31-year-old self with all her wisdom and experience from the past eleven years could certainly do the same.  Besides, I also received some encouragement from my cousin who sent me several scripture verses and I will end with the one that offered the most comfort:

Know that I am with you; I will protect you wherever you go…I will never leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Genesis 28:15

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Cristin Luea permalink
    February 3, 2011 10:13 am

    A perfect lesson from the Lord. I’ve recently been challenged to that myself! Love you! Trust in the Lord’s faithfulness!

  2. February 3, 2011 12:26 pm

    Cecilia
    Problems are illusion of the material world. Solutions are attributes of your immersion in the world of spirit. Your angels around you don’t worry. As we face our problems I remind myself that I have created it with one mind and can solve it with another. One step at a time and you will find grace, and peace on you journey.
    “Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible”.
    Francis of Assisi

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