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confessions of cecilia bedelia

March 3, 2011

Well I’ve been in New Jersey for over a month and I have to admit, it hasn’t been what I expected.  Oh I tried my best not to have any expectations about what life would be like after I moved, but I confess that I did.  I couldn’t help myself.  I was embarking on a new adventure that God Himself had laid before me.  He had taken care of details and set up the timeframe for my journey.  More than once I considered changing the dates but God impressed upon my heart a sense of urgency so I stayed with the original plan.

I thought I had succeeded in fighting off expectations, but I suppose I figured several things would just fall into place as soon as I arrived, namely employment.  After all, God worked so hard to get me here when He did that He must have a job waiting for me, right?  Wrong.  Here I am five and a half weeks later still unemployed.  I didn’t mind at first.  I was grateful that I could take some time to recoup from the stress of moving.

The monotonous and exhausting reality of job searching would soon take its toll.  I hadn’t realized how much my self-worth was based on employment.  Not only was I struggling with being unemployed (by my own choosing, mind you), but I was also wrestling with outlandish fears of being unemployable.  I felt humiliated by the lack of response to the resumes I sent out.  I went into hibernation, which was easy since there were massive snow storms just after I arrived.  I just didn’t want to face the dreaded question “How’s the job search?” or the judgment of my lack of work.  But the truth is I was the only person passing judgment.  Everyone I saw during the past five weeks has been ever so kind and charitable.  They inquired about the search not out of malice, but out of genuine interest and most of the time followed up with encouragement and offers of help.  I was the only one who found myself lacking anything.

But what was I really lacking?  Truth.

And the truth is that my identity and worth are not based on what I do, where I work, how productive I am with my time or what my measurable output is.  They aren’t even based my successes or failures as a dancer.  My identity, worth and dignity are based solely on being a daughter of God.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  It doesn’t have anything to do with me, my accomplishments or lack thereof.  The truth was so simple it eluded me for several weeks.  I think it got buried under the snow and all those expectations.

I’ve had to reconcile my unrealized expectations with the reality of God’s will.  My life right now may not be what I had wanted it to be, but this reality in which I find myself isn’t so bad.  In fact, it has been quite enjoyable.  I am blessed beyond belief to be surrounded by wonderful people who have drawn me into their lives and out of my internal struggles.  God knows what He’s doing, more so than I.  So I’ll leave Him to it.  I am confident the Lord will provide employment by-and-by.  In the meantime, I am going to embrace the peace that comes with accepting truth and enjoy my current reality as it is.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 4, 2011 7:46 pm

    Way to go, Cecilia.

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  1. pretending to stand firm | she laughs at the days to come

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